SOME HUGS ARE NOT HUGS

Non Hug 1. The A-Frame Hug.
In this non-hug, two people come together; their heads touch, but nothing else does. The feet remain absolutely 3 - 4 feet away from their opposite pair. The effect is a massive leaning so that the two people look like a ski lodge or at least a collapsing pyramid.

Non Hug 2. Half a chest is better than none
Here people make contact with one-half of the top part of their bodies. They twist at the waist and touch in the most limited manner possible. These hugs are to be seen everywhere and I would ask you to keep your eyes open the next time you go to a party or a family gathering and count how many half chesters you see.

Non Hug 3. The chest to chest burp
Lucky us! We actually make full chest to chest contact here but it makes everyone so nervous that they have to defuse the contact immediately. As soon as the two bodies touch, one, two, three, or four hands all start to pat on the opposite back-- just as if they were burping a baby. It is a way of neutralizing and reducing the person being hugged to a safe, infantile status. Just observe the next ten hugs you get-- you'll be burped everytime.

Non Hug 4. The wallet rub
In this non-hug, the two people make contact by standing next to each other, not looking at one another but merely touching hips--or their wallets, as if it were.